And it was You

I saw you

(there, across the way)

Through acrid fumes of sweat

and smoke.

Through all the bodies

huddled up in conversation,

saving face.

I saw you there,

and it was You...

I saw you notice

my face

too.

I held your attention

undivided for a time.

And you held mine

(a moment)

Before distraction carried us,

individually,

away into the night.

Still, i dwelled in that

brightness...

That silent promise.

I would see you again.

it's been a week

the sun comes up,

i think about you.

the coffee cup,

i think about you.

i want you so,

it's like i'm losing my mind.

the morning ends,

i think about you.

i talk to friends,

i think about you.

and do they know?

it's like i'm losing my mind.

all afternoon,

doing every little chore,

the thought of you stays bright.

sometimes i stand

in the middle of the floor,

not going left,

not going right.

i dim the lights

and think about you.

spend sleepless nights

to think about you.

you said you loved me,

or where you just being kind?

or am i losing my mind?

(-Stephen Sondheim)

(it's been a week. i want to give you time and space.... but it feels unnatural not talking to you.

it feels WRONG to not have you in my day-to-day...

And it's not just that i miss you.

i don't like living with-out you

(i'm so tired.

tired of thinking of you

every single day.

but to stop

i feel it would depreciate

my quality of life.

but who am i?

to make a judgement

in my current state?

so wrapped up

in all that i'd thought we'd made.

I thought we'd made so much

in so little time.

I was ready to try

to live a more than ordinary life.

to keep you by my side...

to salvage you and i.

but who am I

without you?

I can't try

without you.....))

it's been a week.

i miss

i miss him.

the way he made me feel

invincible.

the way i felt that anything was

possible...

i love her.

i'm committed.

i can't back out now.

but

i just want to be on that stage

bearing my soul...

because it's the only time i feel LEGITIMATE.

the only time i feel worth it to anybody.

especially myself.

but i don't know when i'll be OKAY enough to pursue that...

it's time for bed.

and it hurts...

so

much.

i'm sorry.....

sifting.shifting.--moving.shaking.

17 days.
in s e v e n t e e n days, i won't be here.
the west coast awaits my arrival
in 17 days.

i cannot wait to uproot again... it's such a stubborn, frustrating, liberating experience--leaving behind the useless shit that takes up most of the space in my half-full-glass life.

The things i cannot change...

This just in: my best friend is a sexy beast!
Just LOOK at her!


In other news, I've been attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings for the past few days. Admittedly, it is somewhat uncomfortable. But it gets easier every time. And the experience is more beneficial than I thought it would be. Sure, I'm trapped in a basement(/giant ashtray) with 20 people all old enough to be my parents. Many of them old enough to be my grandparents. But seeing them all here, and knowing what horrors alcohol has caused in some of their lives... it's a very sobering experience (no pun intended). Hearing their stories has lead me to look more closely at my own experience. And after assessing my behavior with alcohol through the past three years, I was taken aback. Realizing how much and how often I'd been drinking (and knowing that, if I'd had my way, it would have been more, more frequently), and recognizing the lengths I've gone to in obtaining liquor, I consciously thought what I've always joked about: I'm an alcoholic. Thinking back on all of the nights at the fruitport house, sitting alone downstairs with a season of The Office (scrubs, weeds, planet earth (thanks to megan (sorry megan))) and a bottle of captain (jack, castillo, heavenhill, popov, smirnoff) Val and Keith asleep upstairs hours ago, but I wouldn't sleep until the bottle was gone....

Now, when I sit around those tables, and I speak the words "My name is Kyle, and I am an alcoholic"
I'm not just playing along.

Alcohol has contributed to every major dilema of the past year: Arrested in Yosemite shortly before being fired, being fired from red robin because i called in--drunk--at 11:30 am, arrested for drunk driving, arrested for stealing booze--even though i honestly didn't intend to drink it.

I haven't been drinking since the driving arrest. I HAVE had a few drinks on a few occasions since then. I HAVE been drunk since then. But I've been doing well overall (and in comparison to a couple of months ago).

That doesn't mean i haven't wanted a drink. I HAVE wanted to go out and finaggle myself some rum. But i haven't.
What stopping me isn't my iron will. It's fear of falling further in this hole i've started digging for myself.

....Ugh. i need to stop at some point. This is getting rambly, and my punctuation is becoming inconsistent. 4:24am



At least my best friend is still gorgeous.
(ha... sorry to have your pretty picture forever associated with the contents of this blog)

holding on to little victories

i got into lookbook.nu !
it really excites me.
now, i can show people things like this ^^^^^^^^^
and see what they think.

A Walking Catastrophe

Much has happened in past four or so months.
Synopsis:
Fired from Red Robin in September.
Was a faun for Halloween.
Moved in with Val and Keith in early November.
-Fixed the place up nice.
-Drank a lot of beer.
-Drank a lot, generally.
Moved back home in january when Val and Keith went back to California.
Got arrested for drunk driving january 18th.
-Sentencing on March 2nd. going to cost a couple of thousand dollars.
-"Driver Responsibility Fee" of $1000 due in 20 days.
Started seeing a counselor at Hackley Life Counseling--for potential substance abuse.
Got a job serving at Finley's.
Megan moved to San Diego.
I got arrested for retail fraud on February 12th at Meijer.
-Booked downtown and released on a PR bond.
-Arraignment February 24th.
-Mom doesn't know yet.
Mom's job was terminated two days ago.


Life is falling apart.
I am a wreck.

laugh until my head comes off...

i look through the window.
i see them all
those strangers.
what right do they have
to be here, when i am not allowed
even to step foot
in the door?

they ask me questions
through the panes.
the panes and panes that line it-
the coffee shop;
the diner in my mind.
they ask me over and over again

"where are you going?
"what are you up to?
"who do you think YOU are?"

none of them care.
none want conversation.
the curiosity stems from elsewhere.
from something sad.
it drips down in little lines.
down the tempered glass.
the windshield in my mind.

i speed through the drizzle.
careening across the pavement
down the highway of my life.
down the winding mountain roads.
through my sunglasses,
i see little in the twilight,
the sadness of my circumstance.

i wear my ambivalence.
a mask above my rumpled collar.
i catch him in the rear-view.
his eyes beg an answer,
"who are you?"

i am lost.

yesterday: the night before tomorrow

i'm moving to chicago during the thaw of the coming year--one way or another.
i want to get back into performing. i'm even taking a dance class tomorrow night.
i'm finally selling my jewelry. kymi is letting me set up whatever i want at her place. it's exciting.
i want a boy to snuggle with.
i feel like i'm in a chrysalis. like i'm ready for a big transformation.
i wonder if i'm transforming into "the man i'm going to be" this time.
or maybe it's just another stage of my life cycle.
i've been thinking a lot lately about the concept that every moment that ever has, and that ever will come to pass, exists in the present. i've been treasuring the future that has yet to be realized. part of me wants to believe in this concept. part of me is sure it's absurd, but appreciates the way it makes my dreams seem attainable.

anyway, i can't shake the feeling that i'm trying to prove something. to someone? to myself? i don't know. whoever it is, i hope i prove my point. i have everything i need within myself. but i doubt my ability to use it.

it makes me feel desperate.
i'm sure my unemployment isn't helping in that regard.
but there's something else. a voice i hear sometimes that tells me i can do anything.
it makes me want to move to new york.
to buy a massive canvas and go crazy.
to try my hand at modeling.
to give cute guys my number. and expect them to call.

theres an unfounded, ridiculous confidence in there somewhere.
thank god reality suppresses the cocky bastard in the back of my skull.
vanity is unattractive.
(just keep telling yourself that)

i know that mom is trying to get me to grasp the minimum responsibility of living in the real world. but it's going to be damn tough saving money to move out if i have to keep paying her rent.

i feel like it would be taking advantage of her... for a good cause?

i'm too tired to think now.
thank god. i need sleep.

i'm pumped for swing dancing tonight.
and then the last hoorah at mo's house.

("last"...? yeah right)

SSDD... No Thanks

That's it, in a nutshell.

That's basically how I'm feeling in this chapter of my life.

As I return to a job--or two--I don't see how I could

fully realize this way of thinking; of living.

But I'm working on it.