yesterday: the night before tomorrow

i'm moving to chicago during the thaw of the coming year--one way or another.
i want to get back into performing. i'm even taking a dance class tomorrow night.
i'm finally selling my jewelry. kymi is letting me set up whatever i want at her place. it's exciting.
i want a boy to snuggle with.
i feel like i'm in a chrysalis. like i'm ready for a big transformation.
i wonder if i'm transforming into "the man i'm going to be" this time.
or maybe it's just another stage of my life cycle.
i've been thinking a lot lately about the concept that every moment that ever has, and that ever will come to pass, exists in the present. i've been treasuring the future that has yet to be realized. part of me wants to believe in this concept. part of me is sure it's absurd, but appreciates the way it makes my dreams seem attainable.

anyway, i can't shake the feeling that i'm trying to prove something. to someone? to myself? i don't know. whoever it is, i hope i prove my point. i have everything i need within myself. but i doubt my ability to use it.

it makes me feel desperate.
i'm sure my unemployment isn't helping in that regard.
but there's something else. a voice i hear sometimes that tells me i can do anything.
it makes me want to move to new york.
to buy a massive canvas and go crazy.
to try my hand at modeling.
to give cute guys my number. and expect them to call.

theres an unfounded, ridiculous confidence in there somewhere.
thank god reality suppresses the cocky bastard in the back of my skull.
vanity is unattractive.
(just keep telling yourself that)

i know that mom is trying to get me to grasp the minimum responsibility of living in the real world. but it's going to be damn tough saving money to move out if i have to keep paying her rent.

i feel like it would be taking advantage of her... for a good cause?

i'm too tired to think now.
thank god. i need sleep.

i'm pumped for swing dancing tonight.
and then the last hoorah at mo's house.

("last"...? yeah right)